SLGLMTS          Rules & Regulations

1. It is dangerous to ride alone off-road. If you find yourself alone because you are faster than everyone else, please fall off immediately, allowing them to catch up. If you find yourself alone because you are slower than everyone else, please speed up, hurtle past the rest of the group, who have stopped at a particularly nasty obstacle, and fall off.
2. Good machine preparation is the key to enjoyable off-road riding. However, Reg always carries a toolkit and Graham's 'bike carries 70 litres of fuel. The trick is to play dumb 'till they've refuelled it and given it a full service. Try to break down somewhere scenic, not on tarmac. On no account pay Graham for the fuel - he's an actuary. If you manage to fall off (perhaps due to a loose chain) play hurt until they've fixed the 'bike.
3. Respect the Country Code. The survival of the species is more important than the survival of the individual. Darwin suggests that only through continual exposure to a danger does it become a species imperative: causing the species to evolve and survive the danger. AIM for bunnies. Leave gates open, so horses can learn to deal with traffic. And, if only enough people wheelspin across lawns, eventually knobbly proof grass will evolve. Fall off enough and you'll evolve into a less bruisable sub-species.
4. Courtesy. It is discourteous to act in a shocking or surprising manner. People EXPECT 'bikers to be foul mouthed, ill behaved, malodorous hooligans. Falling off in front of them is a particularly good way to fulfil their stereotypes....
5. You do not have right of way. But you can't always stop quickly on mud (except by falling off), now can you ? The only solution is to get the other person to move out of the way, preferably before you've even seen them. Sound the horn almost continually. It also helps to keep the 'bike in a low gear and to remove the baffles.
6. Trespass. The law of trespass says that the Landowner or his or her accredited representative should inform you that you are trespassing and that you should then make haste to depart their land. Motorcycles do not have reverse gears, so the best way to make haste to depart is to cog it down and keep going. Make sure none of that roostertail misses: it is THEIR land ! This is one time not to fall off.
7. Planning. All the books say that, for off-road riding, half the work is the route planning. So you can reduce the workload by half just by not preparing at all.
8. Maps. An up to date, large scale map will ensure that you do not ride where it is illegal. So always carry a 1975, "30 miles Around London". If challenged; point at the most faded bit of the map and claim that you are there and this is the M4. It helps if you speak Portuguese.
9. Clothing. A good set of sensible off-road riding gear will need to be washed and cleaned after each foray. Old Tesco car park attendant's anoraks are good enough (karrimat or thick foam rubber adds body armour for when you fall off). Wear BIG boots.....

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